If Only and What If

I am writing on a gray, rainy day for which I want to feel grateful.  I am acutely aware that many parts of the world, including many in the United States, suffer from severe drought conditions. The consensus of the meteorologists seems to be that the sections of the world getting more rain and/or snow then usual will continue to do so while those getting les than usual will continue to have to face a decreasing supply of water for crops and everyday use.   Here where I am currently living there have been some changes in the weather patterns but, overall, it is fairly well balanced weather wise.

It is tempting on such gray days as I sit at my desk writing to indulge in the “what if” or “if only” game.  What if I had finished my engineering degree?  What if I been more educated about mental illness and found a way to stay married to my son’s mother?  If only I had “behaved better” and quit asking so many questions I could have remained a Presbyterian minister. If only, I had put more value on making and saving money I would be able to enjoy more activities now.  If only I had been better at nurturing friendships as a young man I would have fewer regrets and would not have lost contact with many who added a lot to my younger years.  If only I had followed through with my commitment to myself to maintains skills such as foreign language skills I learned in college.    If only I would spend more time reading the many academic type books sitting on my coffee table and patiently waiting to be read on my Kindle I would learn more and be a more interesting friend. If only…..

It is easy for many of us, particularly on such a gray day, which we will, for the most part, spend inside by ourselves to get pensive and to start asking those “if only” and “what if” questions. Certainly it is easy for me.  Yet, I know that in some magical, strange sort of way, all the decisions I have made come together to make me the man that I am and to form the framework for the life that I have at this very moment.  It is a very luxurious life in terms of health, ability to pay bills and have everything I need including many rich friendships. I also have the luxury of writing a daily blog which I feel/believe that I need to do at this stage of my life.

What is it about gray days lacking in sunshine or the ability to comfortably play outside that lends itself to becoming so pensive and so questioning of one’s past decisions?  What makes it so difficult to focus on all that I have for which to be grateful?  Instead of the “what ifs” and the “if only” questions I could just as easily be focused on the richness of my life which I basically did not earn and which I do not deserve any more than other people. True I was able to make certain decisions to go to school, to work, and to take care of my health, but even those decisions are largely possible because of many factors over which I had no control.  Despite the fact that it often feels as if I have control and am making choices, I also “know, that a lot of factors not under my control are coming together to allow my brain to work a certain way.  I really do not think I can take more credit for that any more than one can blame someone who has an illness such as Alzheimer’s, brain cancer, depression, diabetes, or some other condition which affects the ability of the mind to fire synapses in an order which results in a logical choice.

Part of the “what if” and “if only” game is the habit or desire to not stay present in the moment. My mind is always running off to the past or to the future.  It is so seldom simply present without any chatter. As the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron would say, I always seem to have a story to accompany this moment, which takes me out of the moment.  The story may be playing the “what if” or “if only” game or it may be blaming someone for something which happened or it may be thinking of some complicated analysis of why someone else is behaving a certain way.

Friday morning at the gym I was on the Helix machine and there was a woman on the machine next to me who I had not seen in some time.   Usually I see she and her husband there together. He was not there this morning. She explained that he was not feeling well. She also explained that I had not seen them for some time because she has been dealing with back issues. She further indicated that she has some other health issues. The story I had made up about this two traditionally attractive, well groomed, normally smiling people did not include any health problems or any other issues. They were this very blessed couple who had it all!   This was another example of me comparing my insides without someone else’s outside or what appeared to be their outside.  I was way off the mark.  I am not suggesting that they are not blessed in many ways. I am just suggesting that they do not have the perfect life which I had given them in my mind – a life which had much I did not have – youth, good looks, money, etc. 

When I am busy inventing a person or persons I am not present with who they are and I cannot be the loving person I want to be.  Added to that story is my comparison of their life and the life I have.

After all, the only real power I have, if I am very lucky, is enough self control to lovingly remind myself that it is enough to just show up with love. Absolutely nothing else matters

President Obama this week because the first sitting president to visit a prison in the United States. This is pretty amazing given the fact that we lead the so-called developed world in incarcerating people in a punishing system.  One of the statements he made was:  “When they describe their youth and their childhood, these are young people who made mistakes that aren’t any different than the mistakes I made.”  Wow!  What if we were to take that statement at face value and not assume it was made as a good political statement? What if he really knows that this is whom we put in prison; that the difference between whom we label good and who we label bad is very seldom as much as we are comfortable believing?  What if we could, as it appears the President did, just show up with love and be present with those who have been caught and convicted of a crime.”    Ooops! There I am with “what ifs”.   It would have been just as easy to focus on a commitment to be a person who shows up in love and not judgment with self and others hum mm… Interesting switch.

Switching from “if only”, “what if” and “if I will” to a simple “I am now going to…” could make life much simpler and allow me to relax and “feel” that gratitude about which I was earlier talking. That simple? Yup!